Posted by: Mark, Transforming . . . | October 11, 2018

More lemonade from the lemon; aka broken right arm at my wrist

2018-10-02 8:05 PM

My face is leaking. That’s a quote from my friend Holly Riley. Yes, my face is leaking right now. Honestly? Some of the pain meds from the surgery are starting to wear off so I just took another pill. But these tears are nothing to do with pain. Well, maybe they are tears of pain, but not physical pain.

I’m dictating this in 8:07 PM on October 2, 2018 which is two weeks and just under 22 hours since I fell and broke my right arm at the wrist. I am truly overwhelmed and amazed at the outpouring of love, care, concern, and willingness to help me. Even from people that I don’t really know that well, or haven’t known for that long.

It’s also around 11 hours since I had 10 screws and a plate put in my right radius, as it goes into the wrist joint.

There have been so many magical moments today. I’ll bullet point some of them since I know I’ve written blog posts on some of them already and I’ll write future blog posts That go more into the backstory of some of these.

* Karen, one of my best friends from high school, left a penny for me on the sidewalk outside wall greens today right after I picked up my prescription. We are 18 days away from the eighth anniversary of her transitioning. Sunday she left me a penny and a dime right in the doorway of Kroger.

* As tired as I was last night, I knew I had to make Green energy soup and boil up some eggs so that I would have food for the next few days. Those hard-boiled eggs sure were good as I took my last oxycodone.

* My furry purring love machine has been by my side. He Intuitively knows which arm had the surgery, and currently still has no feeling in it LOL, because that’s the arm and hand that he has been rubbing his head against all day.

* My friend John, one of those people I haven’t known for very long, who lives in my building and is very very very very very allergic to my furry purring love machine, came over to cut the surgery wristband off my left arm that was digging into my arm. At least I had the wisdom not to put a sharp object next to my skin. LOL

* I have a small reading light and a bedside table on the side of the bed that I don’t use very often. I often take this light for granted. It has a dimmer on it and something told me to light it tonight oh shit. And I think I’ll leave that little tidbit from the dictation because I’m learning Siri hears everything. I was readjusting my arm as I was dictating this And almost punched myself in the face with my nerve deadened right arm. LOL As I was lighting the light, I heard my mother tell me how she always felt safe in her home for the 10 1/2 years that she lived there after my dad transitioned and that she went To bed every night with that light lit as a night light. That was my dad‘s reading light that was on the bedside table on his side of the bed since 1972. I feel both of them here with me today.

* It would take thousands of blog posts to express all the ways my friend Linda has helped me, especially today. She was out of the country for over three weeks and just returned Friday. She cleared her schedule to take care of me today and boy did she take care of me well.

* You’ll hear me talk more about the author Tama Kieves. I bought a few of her books 3 or four weeks ago at spiritual living Center of Atlanta when she was here speaking. The one on back order arrived yesterday. The mailman pushed it into my mailbox when he had the main door open, but once he closed the door, the opening for me to retrieve mail shrunk a little less than an inch. This meant I could not pull the book out of my own mailbox. Until today, while Linda and I were pulling into the complex, and yes, the mailman was here delivering the mail. We both laughed as I showed him my splinted right arm and he retrieved the book for me.

* Well, Linda heard Tama speak those Three or four weeks ago and needed to rush to the airport so I actually had ordered two of these books. One for me and one for Linda. I got to hand deliver Linda‘s book to her today.

So, back to the tears. My intent in sharing this next piece is in hopes that someone else who may be feeling this way or has felt this way in the past, Will feel a sense of connection, self compassion, trust in them selves, and peace, so that they will choose to love themselves and stay here and share their unique gift with us. I also want to stress how I am PAST this in my life. Yes, there has been an underlying Conversation in my head for 50 years That suicide was an option. This is the first time I publicly put this out here.

I knew at age 5 that I was gay. Maybe not gay per say but different. As I reflect back, I also knew at that age that it was wrong and that I was going to hell AND I could never tell anyone.

Two days after I broke this arm my face started leaking with such gratitude for all the people who have reached out to me.

My Skating community. Several of them have had their own accidents, broken bones, and surgeries.

Spiritual living center of Atlanta.

My oneness Blessing community at large.

My oneness Blessing community in Athens Georgia.

Belong.LGBT, formerly Rainbros.

My oxygen Financial family.

My Gay spirit visions family that I just met this past weekend.

And all my friends from around the world.

I’ve always known that I’ve had great friends but this truly has been overwhelming.

So yes. That underlying conversation in my head that sometimes grew stronger and sometimes grew weaker is gone. But suicide, as a viable option, had been there for a very very long time. As I’ve been on my spiritual path for over 35 years, I really feel that it was as recent as a few months ago that this conversation left.

A little side story. A few months ago I started to playlist in iTunes called Mornings. It’s a list of songs that help me get my mind in the right place each morning. Karen Drucker is an artist that probably holds 75% of the songs on the playlist. The morning after my fall I knew something was wrong with my right arm. Not wanting to be a drama queen and blow it out of proportion, I knew the right thing to do would be to get an x-ray. I listen to my Mornings playlist as I get ready for my day. So as I am getting in the shower and babying my right arm, the next song that plays is Karen Drucker‘s “let it be easy”. She also has a song titled “let it go”. I think I finally stopped saying “let it go” to the thoughts of suicide several months ago and I actually have let them go.

I also know that at times when the conversation got very loud, the only way that I can describe the feeling that kept me from acting on it, was that there was a spider web like thread connecting me to someone or something. It was the spiderweb like thread, that somehow in it, someone was connected to me and that even if it was just this one person, I would be missed. There’s a whole other blog post that I’ll right soon about my fear that no one would show up for my funeral.

And as I write that, I do hope no one shows up for my funeral. I want a big ass celebration of life party and not a funeral as my ashes get spread somewhere.

I’m being guided to share this YouTube video as well. We never really know what is going on in someone else’s life.

Have the tissues ready

Much Love and peace to you.

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Posted by: Mark, Transforming . . . | October 1, 2018

Heartfelt gratitude

A quick post that I’m dictating today. So please find humor in house Siri transcribes my voice today.

I did the morning soul sync meditation with the group this morning online, and knew that today’s intention to set is to experience deep gratitude for everything in my life, exactly as it is today, in this moment. That includes me slicing my upper lip by shaving with my left hand. I only had two or three more swipes of the blade and one of them cut the skin. All I can do is laugh. Yes. I am grateful for Shea butter that seems to be healing the cut so quickly.

I’m also grateful for the side mirrors on my car that need to be replaced. And the front quarter panel that took a shopping cart in a grocery store parking lot quite a while ago.

Spending 3 1/2 days at the mountain retreat center in Highlands North Carolina allowed me to experience and clear energies for many lifetimes. I’ll blog more about that another time. Today’s blog post is gratitude for the increased emotions I’m also feeling today. I’m grateful for the dentist for the 7:30 AM dental appointment to take impressions for a new crown. I’m grateful for the oral surgeon this afternoon to assess how soon I’ll be ready for implants. And I’m very grateful for Western medicine and surgery on my right wrist tomorrow.

I might come back and proofread this later if not, may you find humor in the transcription of my dictation. And may you be grateful, in this moment, for exactly the way your life is today. I’m very grateful that you’re reading these words. I’m grateful that we can be connected in this way. And I’m grateful for your comments, that we can dialogue, that we can share different viewpoints, And that we can share more life on this spinning speck of dust that’s floating around the sun.

Posted by: Mark, Transforming . . . | September 20, 2018

Who wants some lemonade?

Some people may say that I had a dump truck dump lemons on me Monday night. I see that I have one lemon that’s going to turn into gallons and gallons and gallons of lemonade. And I am going to be giving away this lemonade.

The lemon is 1 Closed traumatic displaced fracture of distal end of  Right Radius. Yes, The urgent care doctor came in and said, “it’s shattered.” Oh by the way, the radius is the bone from your elbow to your wrist. In layman’s terms, it’s not a clean break and part of the break goes right into the wrist, Which means surgery.

First and foremost, I’m giving myself permission to cry. Not one of these tears has been from Pain. The tears are fresh, even as I dictate this, from the overwhelm of love and support that I’ve been receiving since I lost my balance and ended up on the blacktop of the street Monday night. My Skating family wouldn’t leave me as I waited on the curb for someone to come back and pick me up. This fall knocked the wind out of me and I knew better than to push through it and finish the mile back to the car.

And I’ve laughed at how long it’s taking me to open a can of wet cat food. And I laughed again at how long it takes me to button a pair of shorts. I need some new shoes anyway. Looks like I’ll be buying some zip up boots.

I think that’s enough for now. I’ll be blogging more as I go through this journey of the next 8 to 12 weeks. More tears of gratitude and overwhelm as I think about approximately 75 people who publicly commented on Facebook and offered to help and the countless numbers of text messages , Instant messages, Phone calls and emails that I’ve received.

I’m taken care of. No matter what. I have even asked a friend of mine who lives in the complex and who is very allergic to the cat, if he’d be willing to hold his breath and walk from the front door to the Balcony and plant my flower boxes with pansies in a few weeks.

I am overflowing with the love. And that love is going right into the lemonade to ripple out into the world.

Feel peace. And be the transformer.

Posted by: Mark, Transforming . . . | September 9, 2018

Join us for Book Discussion – Tama Kieves “This Time I Dance”

This year the Summer Soul Series Book Club at Spiritual Living Center of Atlanta discussed Tama Kieves’ “Thriving Through Uncertainty”. We had the honor of hearing her speak last night and then again today. I describe her as authentic and real. She shares in her speaking and in her writing the rawness of her journey and the growth she’s experienced. So, I’m co-hosting a book club to discuss her first book “This Time I Dance.”  What a powerful testimony today when someone stood up and said she read Tama’s first book over 20 years ago and also left her job in a law firm to follow her heart and her dreams. Wow! Time for me to read the book to continue on my path. And what better way to read a book like this than with friends who are also ready to take their next step.

You’ve heard me discuss my lack of consistency and follow through on things that I know I want to do and that my heart is pulling me to do. So, I took the opportunity and asked Tama about this last night. Her response . . . “Stop the self-judgment and increase self-love.” and I’ll add, increase the self-forgiveness. Yes. I have high standards in life and when I don’t reach a goal or miss the mark just a little bit, I tend to hold on to this and literally punish myself for it.

From one viewpoint, it’s kinda funny. It literally feels like ping pong balls bouncing on my shoulders with the “good angel” telling the “bad angel” to shut up and I end up listening to the “bad angel” and buy the bag of chips anyway. I’m glad I’m distancing myself more and more from the bantering between the two of them because I can now laugh at it more often than getting caught in the drama.

Lately I’ve been feeling old stories leave my energy field and I sense this one is on its way out too. Enough of the drama already. Time to take actions that align with my goals and dreams and time to laugh more at the craziness of the “bad angel” vs. “good angel” drama.

If you’re interested in joining us for the “Tama Kieves Book Club”, let me know. Even if you live somewhere other than Atlanta, we could always include you on a Zoom call and put you on the screen so you can be part of the discussion and part of the growth. And check out Tama Kieves for more information about her and what she offers.

 

Feel Peace and Be The Transformer!

 

#TamaKieves #ThisTimeIDance #BookClub #TransformYourLife #FeelPeace

Posted by: Mark, Transforming . . . | August 12, 2018

Another Sign from The Universe?

Ha ha ha ha ha ha

Another miracle occurred right now. It’s 8:01am on Sunday morning, August 13, 2018.

Back Story – Last night I was listening to some YouTube videos while I prepared a salad to take to a friend’s house. I quickly left the house and just closed the laptop without closing any windows or even stopping/pausing the video.

I actually love going to my friend Justyna’s and hanging out with her because I’m usually only one of no more than 3 people that have English as their first language. Last night was the time to meet her brother who is in town from Poland. I think last night we only had 4 languages being spoken but it’s usually 6 or 7. Polish, Spanish, Georgian (not USA Georgia but I learned that the country of Georgia actually has their own alphabet and therefore language) and English.

I took a 7 month break from dating and the dating apps, just to give myself time to regroup and let my heart/emotions to heal. I started back a few weeks ago. It’s been fascinating to experience people saying they want to meet, actually scheduling a time to meet, and then not communicating and not showing. It happened, yet AGAIN, yesterday afternoon. I even sent a “Hi. I hope you’re ok.” message after the time we were supposed to meet . . . and it’s yet to be unanswered, even with a “phuk you”. I’d even be happy with that response because it’s clear communication.

All I want is clear communication.

I did meet someone online Wednesday and we had an enjoyable dinner Wednesday night. I had another dinner date Friday night with someone else.

So, after dinner last night at Justyna’s I went to my friend Drew’s to feed and hang with his two cats while he’s out of town. I told myself, “I’m done even reaching out. I’m going to just watch, be aware, and see who’s coming to me. No action.”

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

As I prepare to do my morning Soul Sync meditation from O&O Academy and then get on the Ekam World Peace Festival call at 9:00 today, I open the computer and it starts playing music . . . Matt Zarley’s “Somebody 4 Everybody”.

Although there are no guarantees, you’ve just got to believe . . .
Don’t you know there’s somebody for everybody . . . Just sayin’

 

Somebody 4 Everybody by #mattzarley

 

and another Matt Zarley song I really like is Change Begins with Me  “Anything is Possible”

 

The real miracle here is that I told myself I was not going to open any apps or e-mails or do anything until after my morning Soul Sync meditation. THEN I’ll decide what to do next. Lately, I’ve just started the day off and running or distracting myself so that I don’t even get in a Soul Sync or any meditation/quiet time and then the day often spins out of control.  Well, I was guided to write and share this post as my morning meditation today. I’ll still make it to the 9:00am Livestream from the Oneness Field in India for day 4 of Ekam World Peace Festival.

 

So, what’s something in your life that you’ve given up on? Take a few deep breaths. Feel. Listen. Be Aware. Is it something that really resonates with you? Is it something that you’d really enjoy having in your life?

 

Then stop taking action. Sit and be aware. What’s right in front of you already. What is your Sacred Higher Self telling you to do to allow it into your life? Then, take THAT action.

 

Enjoy a magical day and week.

 

#Ekamworldpeacefestival2018  #changebeginswithme  #lifeisfunnysometimes #soulsyncmiracles  #

 

 

Posted by: Mark, Transforming . . . | June 23, 2018

Why I don’t meditate as much as I “Should”

Seems like a silly topic from someone who has meditated for many many years, actually teaches various forms of meditation and has gotten great results. As I was listening to the first week’s session for Ekam World Peace Fesitval  and meditating with the guide, I realized that when I sit quietly I get what some of us call a download. Actually I receive many downloads. Many great ideas on what I can do today, or tomorrow or the next day or for the next weeks. I have all of these great ideas. Even more blog post topics to write about.

Then, the brain kicks in and I see these ideas as creating work and to do items to an already full schedule and already full to do list.  I feel like I have more topics and ideas to share here and then the brain spirals into “well which is most important?” and “with which one do I start?”. Then the judging and punishing part of my scorpion identity kicks in and I start looking at all the ways I’ve wasted time. Precious time that could have been spent doing something productive or writing a blog post that could impact just one person’s life.

Ah. There’s the answer. It’s the brain taking over again.  Breathe through this and allow the answers to flow.

A recent quote I read in the past couple of weeks has really shifted something inside of me.  I can’t find the exact words but it’s from Amma-Bhagavan, the founders of Oneness University, which is now http://www.oo.academy/  “I don’t need to ask for God’s forgiveness because God never judged me.” That’s the topic for several blog posts.

I pulled the book “Ask Your Angels” off the book shelf recently and I’ve started reading it from the beginning. A nice reminder that I ALWAYS have the answer to any question if I just take 3 deep breaths. Usually answers to questions come as soon as I place my intention to breathe out there. All I have to do is be open to answers flowing . . . and they appear.

I sense this is enough for today. Enjoy your day. Remember to take a few breaths and listen for your own answers because you already have all of your own answers inside of you. Just listen.

Posted by: Mark, Transforming . . . | June 17, 2018

Coming out of the closet . . . yet again.

As you can see, this is my first post for 2018. It’s been quite a journey so far this year. I’ve written a few “draft” posts and will take the time this week to review and get a few of them uploaded. A few health challenges, mental struggles with the good angel/bad angel on my shoulders fighting with each other, and more oral surgery to be scheduled this week. It’s been a year already and we’re only to June 17th!  ha ha ha ha

I am SO GRATEFUL for all the people in my life who have helped me maneuver this. Some have helped more than others and many of you have no idea what a simple text has meant to me. I’m “Coming out of the closet . . . yet again” by being vulnerable. The outside laughter has sometimes been masking over some inner struggles.

As we move through the experience of duality on this planet, at this time, remembering at deeper levels that we are really all one and that we all just want to Love and to Be Loved, I’m being reminded to feel all of it.  Feel the highs. Feel the lows. Feel it all. Be with the experience and feel it.

More to come . . . soon.  I promise.

Feel Peace and BE the Transformer.

Posted by: Mark, Transforming . . . | December 31, 2017

“The Word” for 2018

End of another year. It’s been quite a year. Business is growing and expanding. 5 oral surgeries. A long trip up the east coast to see clients, friends and be part of Gay Pride in DC. Family Reunion at one sister’s near Milwaukee in July and then Thanksgiving back at my sister’s. We joke that the only reason they keep inviting me is because I do dishes . . . and Lots of them. Ha ha ha ha ha ha

Mentally, it’s been a year of the “good angel/bad angel” bickering back and forth. In the grocery store “chip aisle” the bad angel says “buy 2 bags” and the good angel says “don’t buy any”. Typically, I ended up buying 2 or 3 bags. It’s been quite an interesting year of eating habits. Still making energy soup aka pond scum or green smoothies, yet those chips keep being eaten. Weight is down so I guess something is working.

A few weeks ago, Dr. David Ault at Spiritual Living Center of Atlanta reminded us that we would be having the “Burning Bowl and White Stone Ceremony” on December 31st. “Start thinking about what word you want to put on your stone this year”. It’s a process where you write down the things you want to release from this year so you don’t take them into the new year. Those go into the “Burning Bowl”. Then we take White Stones and write one word that we want to take into the next year. I immediately heard my Higher Sacred Self say “FOCUS”.

Then I laughed at myself. I was just starting to look at my year end income numbers, that I’ve been ignoring most of the year, and realized I was up 25%. How did that happen? I was very successfully distracting myself this year with oral surgeries, skating, and other various distractions. How did I have a 25% increase? Imagine what it could have been if I had focused?

Hence, 2018 word is FOCUS. Then came the word “SACRED”.

I’m noticing how I’m taking Sacred to a new level. What if I could see everyone and everything as sacred at a deeper level of awarenessm What if I merged my “business” world more fully with my “spiritual” world and see my clients and my business as Sacred? What crazy ideas have been limiting me from doing this more fully before? How funny . . . Silly Mark.

So, during the service today, I knew I would write FOCUS on my stone but how would I get SACRED on there as well?

FOCUS on one side? SACRED on the other?

Focused Sacredness? Could I get that on one side of thestone?

FOCUSED on one side? SACREDNESS on the other?

Hmmmmm

Then as I sat there, Annette Mize guided us deeper and deeper into inner listening and it became clear. If the white of the stone is Our Light, our Higher Sacred Selves, ready to shine even more brightly this year, how could anything stop me from being focused? How could anything limit me? I AM that bright Light! I Am Focused. I Am Sacred.

And then it was crystal clear – The “word” for 2018 is SACRED FOCUS! Focus is great but I just get tingles up and down my spine when I say Sacred Focus! Wow.

Here’s to a wonderful year filled with Sacred Focus.

May all of you enjoy a Happy, Healthy, Prosperous and Peaceful 2018, filled with Sacred Focus of your own.

If you like this, please share it, subscribe to my blog and add a comment.

Posted by: Mark, Transforming . . . | November 11, 2017

When I realized I can’t change the world

 

Sometime, a long time ago, I always felt like I wanted to make a big difference in the world. And here I sit, 2 weeks after my 56th birthday, wondering, what have I really done for the world? What have I done for others? I could have done so much more. I could be doing so much more.

As I sit here on my bed alone, watching YouTube videos at 8:15 on a Saturday night with the furry purring love machine curled up next to me, I wonder, what more could I have done? I’m home, alone on a Saturday night. By some definitions . . .  what a loser.

The brain is comparing myself to others. Look at all they’ve done. Look what I could have done. It’s almost comical, as I’m writing and actually getting these words on the page, how silly all of this is. The brain is rushing and racing and flying at warp speed. Yet, in this moment, I can breathe the Life of Spirit into every cell of my being. I AM breathing the Life of Spirit into a very very healthy and vibrant 56 year old body. I’m so grateful for this healthy body, this body that is feeling younger every day.

Getting back to YouTube.

I think when I started tonight, I had around 230 videos in my “watch later” folder. I’m down to 182 and then  #122 is https://youtu.be/uEl2-OMgMM8 When I say “I’m Gay” by Jordan Bach. I couldn’t say it any better.

I feel the same way Jordan. We, as Lesbian, Gay, Bi, Transgender and Queer people on the planet, are bringing together the masculine and the feminine aspects of Divinity. We are shining the lights in our hearts so brightly that we are making a difference beyond anything we could imagine.

It only takes one small flame of a candle to illuminate a dark room. Just one small flame. One small light.

It only takes one peaceful person, in the midst of chaos, to bring a light, a ray of hope.

I’ve joked with one of the guys at Skate Escape here in Atlanta that every time I put on my skates and roll through Piedmont Park and along the Beltline I only have one mission (in addition to staying vertical and getting home safely). If I can get one straight guy to put a smile on his face while seeing me dance to the music in my headphones, mission accomplished. One smile. That’s all I need. One small smile to add a spark to someone else’s life. Don’t get me wrong. I’m not limiting this to straight guys. They’re often the most challenging though. That’s all a I’m saying.

You’ve heard me say it before and you’ll hear me say it many many more times.

I don’t care if people are laughing with me or at me, as long as we’re laughing . . . and usually, it’s AT me.

So today, I’m forgiving myself for not changing the world on a big scale. All I need to do is change it one small smile at a time. One moment at a time. One eye to eye connection at the grocery store at a time. One blog post at a time. One belly laugh at a time. Not even one day at a time. Just one moment at a time.

We each have a unique gift to give to each other that none of the other 7 billion people on the planet can bring. We each have our own unique lights to bring to the planet. And when we can take a breath, relax and allow ourselves to genuinely BE our true selves, there isn’t anything else for us to do. Just BE ourselves and let our own lights shine. That brings peace. Inner peace and outer peace.

Please share your comments. I love to hear from you whether you agree with what I’ve written or not. Subscribe. And let’s all breathe and relax a little. Let’s live in this moment together, allowing ourselves to shine our own lights a little brigher and give others the permission to shine their lights a little more brightly.

Feel Peace, and BE the Transformer.

 

 

Posted by: Mark, Transforming . . . | October 29, 2017

The Ripples Project

I was looking at my list of Draft Posts today and saw this one that I started October 25th, 2011. A nice reminder to myself to breathe and live in the moment every day. Shortly after this draft was originally written, my mom made her transition before she ever moved out of her house. I truly believe she wanted to see her baby of seven, ie Me, turn 50. She passed away a month after my 50th birthday, the Monday before Thanksgiving 2011. I’m grateful for all the years we laughed together.

 

The Ripples Project from Paul the Ripply Guy

I’m home after being gone for almost two weeks with a trip to Illinois to spend time with my Mom and all my brothers and sisters as my Mom gets ready to move to a new home in Wisconsin.  Ah.  The only thing constant is change.

I just spent some time at a cool site called The Quote Pond and the pond delivered this quote to me:

I and mine do not convince by arguments, smiles, rhymes; We convince by our presence.
-Walt whitman

I don’t even recall how I discovered the site or when I initially subscribed yet this quote is a nice reminder for me to choose, in any moment regardless of what may be happening around or to me, Peace through my Presence.  I am the one who chooses how I respond to any situation in my life.  And in the “Presence” of the present moment, I decide to be neutral, trusting that everything is unfolding in Divine Order for the highest good of all concerned.  All we have is the present moment.  I heard a quote by a Canadian woman that I’ll paraphrase here “You can’t breath yesterday and you can’t breath tomorrow.” Ah, I feel more peace as I take a deep cleansing breath from my belly (and not my chest).  It’s All Good!!!

They have a free weekly email called “Ripples” that takes only one minute to read and they are great about not sending any spam or marketing emails.

Take a second to visit them: The Ripples Guy.

 

Namaste Dear Ones . . .

Feel Peace and BE the Transformer . . .

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